The Ongoing Journey of Change

Last year, I began to realize that I desperately needed to change. All of us have heard the old saying which says, "Insanity is doing the same things over and over while expecting different results". It's true. I actually saw that I had been doing that very thing for most of my life. And while there were certain factors that contributed to and reinforced the problem, ultimately I was responsible for my actions and their resulting consequences; I was solely responsible for living in a cycle of self-defeat and ignorance. So, I decided that it was time for change. Real change.

I knew that it wouldn't be easy. "You can't turn a ship around overnight," a wise friend once told me. So I decided that I would make a choice to seek - and to continue seeking - real change. I want to clarify that I didn't use determination or will power in the sense of inner strength and fortitude to effect change. I just decided that I would pursue change, no matter what. It wouldn't matter if I missed it, I would try again. Whether I failed or succeeded, I would continue to pursue and to work on changing, on doing things differently. I decided that I would simply turn around, that I would keep going in a new direction toward change. It hasn't been easy, and I don't view change as a goal to arrive at and then settle down. I see real change as being indefinable and ongoing. The journey to change is a long choice to proceed in the same direction. Whether you stumble, falter, fall or fail, you get up and keep going in that same direction. So, that's what I've done.

One of the first things that I recognized needed to change was my thinking. While most people have seen me as being upbeat and positive, my inner voice was saying something totally different. If one of my sons was about to attempt some precarious stunt on a bicycle, my first thought and response to their enthusiastic fearlessness would be something like, "Be careful. You might get hurt." Usually, my spoken fear was enough to snuff out their little flame of courage and they would back down, daunted by my negativity.

One day, while thinking about a small, non-consequential risk of my own, my thoughts began to point out all of the bad, undesirable things that could possibly result from it. I was about to back down when, out of the blue, I heard a different voice say, "Why do you always think of the bad things that could happen? Why don't you ever think about the good things that could happen?" I was surprised to hear something different and positive, but as I thought about the question, I realized that there was equally as much potential for the good to happen as there was for the bad. And if that were so, then why not risk it, believing in the possibility of success and the possibility of the good. However, this was not a turning point for me, but an important seed was planted. And now that seed has begun to sprout...